I know I need help understanding my husband.  I know my friends need help understanding theirs.  I know this because, unlike most men, women communicate.  With each other.  And from all this communication we conclude:  we need help understanding our men!

Having arrived at this realization you may be asking, what next?  What kind of help do you need and where can you go to get it?  If you’re like most wives, you need help to understand the following about your husband:

His Biggest Fear

His fears are very different than yours.  Most women have fears which involve being alone, being financially insecure, or not being loved.  But your husband’s biggest fear is probably not any of those.  These fears influence many of his actions, decisions and responses, but if you don’t know this about him, his behavior could be bewildering.

His Deepest Desire

As women, most of us deeply desire to be loved.  We want one man who will love us, cherish us, treasure us for the rest of our lives.  As much as your husband appreciates your love and is probably confident of your love, it is not his deepest desire.  Which means your primary goals in your relationship are at odds.  Until you find out his deepest desire, you will continue to be frustrated.

His Greatest Dream

When your husband was a little boy, what did he dream about?  You were likely dreaming of love and romance, possibly in the form of a princess meeting Prince Charming.  But his dreams were far different.  But his current dreams are similar to those he had as a boy, and you need to know what they are to understand what drives him.

Now that you know what kind of help you seek, the big question is, where do I find it?  There are a number of excellent books and additional resources on the internet.  But check the “experts” carefully; often they have themselves been married a number of times.  How much expertise can they really have?

Another great resource is to find a couple whose marriage you respect for its success and longevity.  Spend time with them individually and as a couple, and learn what they know.  Chances are you can glean a lot from observing their communication and the way they relate to one another.  Unfortunately going to other wives as a source of help can evolve into “man-bashing” and become counter-productive.

Once you have done some “research” and learned more about what makes your husband tick, you can start implementing changes in your own communication that over time will impact your marriage in some very fulfilling ways.

It seemed at one time that marriage was becoming a disposable commodity in this country.  For a couple just starting out the odds were only 50 percent in their favor, as nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.  But as counseling has become more socially acceptable, more people are beginning to seek it out, and as more people are realizing the value of keeping God in the marriage Christian marriage therapists are growing in popularity.

Almost any kind of therapy can be beneficial if it gets the spouses to open up the lines of communication.  Many times couples will seek therapy with each spouse believing the other is the “problem”.  By talking things through it usually becomes obvious that both spouses are a part of the problem.  A good therapist will be able to help each spouse understand that they can’t change their spouse, but only themselves.

The biggest difference with Christian marriage therapists is that they are likely to use biblical principles and scripture to help the couple make those changes.  By seeking out Christian marriage therapists the couple is essentially declaring that faith and the biblical principles on which their marriage is founded are crucial to the survival of their marriage.

On the other hand sometimes couples — even Christian couples — lose hope so badly that they are ready to give up on the marriage, and so counseling is a half-hearted gesture.  If the primary goal of therapy is to prove their irreconcilable differences and so justify getting a divorce then that couple would want to steer clear of most Christian marriage therapists.

Now that’s a broad subject! And we could discover many great answers and suggestions (more of which we’ll discuss at another time). But today, we’ll stick with these:

• · Be grateful

• · Be gracious

Have You Ever Had A Dog?

Our dog is amazing. I can walk out the door, and walk back in five minutes later, and she goes absolutely nuts. It’s as if she hasn’t seen me in a week. She is just so grateful to see me. And it feels really, really good to be so appreciated. And you know what else? It’s contagious. Yep, I start getting excited just because she’s excited. And it all starts with gratitude.

Instead of focusing on all the things your spouse is not doing, try writing down a few things you are grateful for. This is not just a theoretical exercise… you would truly benefit from writing down things you are sincerely grateful for about your spouse.

Why is this so powerful? Because we can only focus on one thing at a time. If you spend your time focused on what you’re not getting, your marriage will lose excitement. Start spending time thinking about why you are so blessed, and your marriage will start to shine again.

Dismount That High Horse

Don’t you want someone on your side? Don’t you want your spouse to have your back? Then you need to have their back. Because trust me, they want the very same thing. Nothing sucks the life out of a marriage quicker than having somebody reminding us of how we’ve messed up.

Cut your spouse some slack. Seriously, you married a human being. They are going to mess up. So, sometimes you just need to lighten up. Remember, you two are on the same team.

Whenever I am tempted to get a bad attitude – I try to mentally make a list of a few of my own shortcomings as well. This helps me put things in perspective. It helps me to remember that I am not exactly the perfect catch either. It helps me get off my own high horse.

Start being gracious to your spouse, and you’ll ikely get the same treatment in return. And isn’t that what you both want? Isn’t that more exciting than constant nagging?

Warning – Steamy Conclusion Ahead

Think about it. Which sounds more exciting? A couple who is ungrateful for and is constantly nagging each other, or a couple who is gracious to one another, and constantly wagging their tails and jumping up and down on each other?…. (now that’s exciting!)

Pornography has been a major marriage struggle for many, many years (my guess is from the time of the printing press). And now with the internet, pornography is more accessible than it has ever been in history. It is so prevalent, and our younger generation is so bombarded with sexual images, that it is not just men these days, but even young girls are beginning to view pornography online at an alarming pace.

However, the vast majority of viewers are men. The number of men viewing pornography on the internet is truly astounding. It can almost be described as an epidemic. So should wives be concerned with this in their own marriage?

What are the implications in your marriage?

Your husband’s watching of internet pornography will only harm your marriage, and it will likely harm it significantly. Why? Your marriage bond is made up of many parts, which includes the sexual part. Marriage is the closest union of two people on the planet. It is the relationship where you are the most vulnerable. And for a man, we are never more vulnerable than after having sex. It’s how we feel connected.

Your husband’s viewing of pornography will have an impact on your sex life. It may at first seem like it is helping, as it’s possible his sex drive will initially increase after viewing porn. In the long run, however, it will be devastating to your marriage. Why do I say that?

It has been shown that men deem a woman attractive relative to the attractiveness of other women. Especially women they have just recently seen. Studies have been performed where men were asked to view ‘supermodels’, and then to rate average looking women for attractiveness shortly thereafter. These same women were also rated by men who had not viewed the supermodels before rating. The ‘average looking women’ were consistently rated as being more attractive by the group of men not viewing the supermodels first.

You vs. The Porn Star – Good Luck!

You will never be able to compete with the women found on internet porn sites. And you will be competing. Eventually your husband will grow ungrateful for you physically, and it will hurt your sex life. A poor sex life almost invariably leads to emotional distance. And emotional distance leads to apathy and divorce.

You need to be wise in how you discuss pornography with your husband, because if he is already involved, he likely won’t walk away that easily. We’ll save discussion strategies for another post, but as to the question of whether he should be watching it – the answer is an emphatic ‘no’.